Information for trans women who date men

Find out more about our choices in referencing gender within this resource.

Dating and hooking up with men can be fun, affirming and potentially romantic. Many trans women are in long-term fulfilling relationships with men. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. However, in our society there can be many challenges for trans women who date men.

It can be hard to find good quality information that supports trans women in navigating their relationships with men. This website contains stories, resources and tips that can help.

We recommend that you refer men who date or hook up with trans women to our “For men who date trans women” resource, so they can learn how to be more respectful to you or other trans women.

The content comes from conversations with both trans women and men who are attracted to or in relationships with trans women. You can learn more about the project here.

“I had given up on finding a romantic relationship but then I met my current partner. So many of the men I’d dated had been attracted to me just because I was trans and those relationships were always quite hidden. It meant so much to me to love and to be loved. To be seen and celebrated as a whole person and to be integrated into my partner’s life.” Petra

In talking about our relationships and experiences it’s important to recognise that no two people are the same. Our age, ability, culture, faith, class, family, gender, sexuality and other aspects of our identity and lives make us unique. Whilst there may be overlapping experiences within communities of people, we all have our own individual stories and lived experience.

Accessing healthy relationships

Trans women deserve to be treated with the utmost respect in their relationships with men, whether that’s for a steamy hook up, a sweet first date or an overly romantic marriage proposal. You deserve the best in your relationships, where your partners are kind, loving and supportive.

“I was seeing this guy and he was so chill and casual. I could tell he was really proud to be out with me. We went to the beach for a romantic weekend away and stayed in a cute bed and breakfast. We ate in restaurants and walked along the beach. He made me feel great.” Crystal

All trans women deserve to access romantic and long term relationships, to be dated publicly and welcomed into their partner’s family or friendship groups, no matter how they choose to express or affirm their gender identity, whether they pass or not, and regardless of the decisions they make around their bodies such as surgical status or HRT.

“I recently got married to my partner. I feel so happy! He makes me feel so beautiful. He’s a very kind and understanding man. I couldn’t legally get married in Malaysia but I can here in Australia. As a transgender woman it was important to me to get married to feel secure and stronger in our relationship. On our wedding we had all our friends and family came along. We celebrated with a full heart.” Sanu

Some trans women have very positive experiences with cis men. They may be in long-term relationships, married to their partner, or have started families and are supported by their relatives and their communities.

“Ideally I would like to have a partner in my life, though it doesn’t necessarily have to be marriage. I want that person to embrace me for who I am. We all have the right to be safe and respected.” Katrina

Accessing romantic relationships

Looking for love and intimacy can be fun and enjoyable. Romantic relationships can be nurturing, supportive and help you achieve your goals in life. They may also potentially provide greater access to stability in your life such as housing and or even financial security.

“There are so many financial benefits to being in a relationship. Our society is really set up for people who are married. Since being in a relationship with my partner, he has supported me financially. It means I’ve been able to access better health insurance, even through his work. It’s something I’ve never had before. It’s even been easier to access the surgeries I’ve wanted for myself. Having a partner who’s there for you legally and financially is equally important to me as the emotional support.” Aurora

Unfortunately, stigma and discrimination in our society can create barriers for many trans women to be able to access healthy relationships with men. Some trans women may feel depressed or even a deep sense of loss when they feel these barriers inhibit accessing the relationships they are looking for.

Connecting with other trans women so you know you are not alone in that experience may be beneficial.

“I dream of a future where I am able to have open and healthy romantic relationships with men, because love is so fundamental. When you experience barriers to accessing love due to discrimination or stigma it can cause feelings of tremendous pain and loss. The burden of dismantling systems that harm trans women should never solely be placed upon us as individuals or even the trans community. Our cis allies need to work with us. However I do draw strength from the knowledge of other trans women. By hearing their stories I have access to a collective pool of wisdom to assist me to feel empowered in navigating my relationships with cis men.” Electra

For those struggling to find healthy relationships with men, it’s good to know that they do exist and it’s okay to wait till you find something that’s right for you.

Equally there can be pressure in our society for everyone to form romantic relationships, but being single is valid too. There are other relationships we can build in our lives that bring us joy and love, such as friends, family and community.

“I love “love”, but there have been times where I put seeking romantic relationships ahead of the ones I already had in my life. And so often these romantic relationships were unhealthy and would only make me feel worse about myself. Now if it doesn’t feel good, I’m not interested, I’m not sticking around. I have so many beautiful friendships and my relationship with my family, and that’s what’s important to me. If I find romance in the future he better understand this.” Crystal

Acceptance & validation

As trans women affirming our identities, we may seek acceptance and validation from the world around us, including from our family, friends and partners.

However, there may sometimes be risk in seeking validation from men – especially if they are aware of the vulnerabilities of trans women’s experiences and choose to manipulate this for their own gratification.

“As a woman of transgender experience, our history around rejection and discrimination can sometimes influence us to overlook certain behaviours or attitudes in our partners that are incompatible with our own values. Especially if they’re willing to date you and accept you as a transgender woman. I’ve come to learn that I don’t think that’s healthy for me.” Hannah

Remember to treat yourself with compassion and work out your own filters for discerning whether men are being authentic with their intentions towards you. It may help to write these down to help you remember when putting them into practice.

It’s important that we don’t minimise disrespectful behaviour in order to access relationships.

“I’ve pretty much had a revolving door with guys. Some of that is around me seeking validation as a trans woman. It’s a behaviour I have learnt, that I am now trying to change with counselling. Now I know that when I compromise my own self-worth for five minutes of attention it never ends well and it’s not healthy for me. Manipulators are very good at masking their behaviours. They’ll tell me that they’re looking for a girlfriend, that I’m beautiful or they that love me and want to spend their life with me. However as soon as their desires are met they lose interest in me. These experiences can be quite soul destroying. All I want is a genuine connection with someone who actually respects me.” Katrina

Many of the women talked about other sources of validation outside of dating men, including family and community, or taking a deliberate break from sex and dating to focus on self-acceptance.

“I haven’t been dating much lately, my life is too busy. I have an elder trans woman I like to go spend time with nearby. I volunteer at a food co-op in town and spend a lot of time cooking for my friends and the people I live with. I’m respected and loved within my community.” Crystal

Healthy relationships

The most important relationship is the one that you have with yourself. As trans women, with all of the discrimination we can experience, taking time to be comfortable with yourself and show yourself care and love is vital. Coming from a place of self-acceptance can give you strength in developing the kinds of relationships you deserve to have with other people.

“I haven’t always been so kind to myself. I have often felt as though I'm not enough and that I'll never be enough. Working through these thoughts is hard and sometimes you can have trouble letting people in. But with time, patience and support I’ve come to love my body and mind with all the quirks that come along with it. I now know that I'm worthy and can ground myself when things inevitably get hard again, because I have a community that sees and loves me for me.” Eva

A healthy romantic relationship is one that is balanced with other parts of your life and supports you to grow. Friends and family, including chosen family, or your other interests such as hobbies, art and music are all part of the things that give a holistic sense of self.

Relationships can be very exciting and it’s easy to get swept up in them, but it’s important that you maintain the other things in your life too.

“I’ve learnt we need good support outside our relationships. The relationship cannot be the only thing in our lives. We need our girlfriends, we need other interests. If we start giving up all our interests, lose contact with our friends and put the relationship first, that can leave us vulnerable to power, control and abuse. If that person becomes our whole life, that can make it very difficult to leave that relationship if it's unhealthy.” Stella

Supportive partners also help you feel positive about yourself and your identity even when you may be struggling.

“My ex-partner was very respectful towards me. He respected me as a woman and never judged me. He supported me to be proud of myself, especially as a trans woman, and always gently challenged me if I had negative thoughts about myself. He was very compassionate and encouraging. He was so open about our relationship, taking me on dates in our community and introducing me to his friends.” Kim

Nobody deserves to be controlled in a relationship regardless of what they do.

Sometimes talking to your friends, a counsellor or a support service can help you get perspective.

“I meet with my girlfriends for coffee or lunch most days to check in with each other and catch up. We’re always talking about ourselves and our relationships. These friendships give me a space to talk about personal issues, but more than that I know I’m supported and that they have my best interests at heart. My girlfriends are my world.” Candy

Screening

We are working towards a world where trans women have no need for screening a partner, because all trans women should be able to access the relationships they seek, with safety and respect.

Some men are not meeting trans women with the respect they deserve. So when looking for a new relationship or hook up, developing your own vetting processes to inquire about men’s beliefs, attitudes and values may be useful so that you stay safe and meet up with the right guy.

“First I’ll try and get a gauge of their character. Obviously I want to know if there’s any sort of bigotry towards the LGBTQ community in general and their attitudes towards women. If I detect any sort of misogyny, homophobia or transphobia, then that’s a red flag. If they get through all that, that’s when I get to know them and maybe find out what they’re looking for in a partner.” Nicole

If you are new to dating men check in with your girlfriends about their vetting processes and how they keep themselves safe.

Educating your partner

Supportive partners taking time to learn about your identity, or trans and gender diverse experiences and culture. It’s great to be supportive of your partner(s) learnings, but you don’t have to do all the work yourself.

A respectful relationship is a based upon reciprocation, support, and growth and it's important your partner(s) access supports and resources outside of your relationship.

“I don't always have the words, energy, or time to do all the emotional labour and educating. Even though I love my partner and know that are trying their best, I am not a trained therapist, nor am I a sex educator and that's okay. Having my partner read or utilise external resources lifts the burden off me and allows me to learn new things as well. We get to learn and grow together and that creates more time and space for us to do other things, instead of a weird power dynamic of me constantly being the teacher (saving that for a special occasion).” Eva

Respectful dating & gender autonomy

As trans women we deserve to be treated with the same dignity and respect as anyone else in our society, including dating publicly. Our rights should not be determined by whether we pass or not, by our gender identities, our presentation and expression, or our bodies.

“Some of the nicest dates/intimate moments I have had with partners are when we wake up in the morning and go to our local cafe for breakfast in our comfy clothes.” Eva

It can be really hard making decisions around your own boundaries when dating men. Sometimes men who haven’t dealt with their shame of being trans attracted are nervous about public dating. This experience can be really hurtful, but know you are not alone.

“There’s been many times in my life where the men I’ve been dating haven’t wanted to be seen with me in public especially because I don’t pass. It’s obvious I’m a trans woman. But I try not to take on their projections. It’s their own insecurities not mine, because I know I’m naturally beautiful in my own way.” Candy

For some trans women it can be as simple as only dating men who will date publicly, but for other trans women they may not feel that is a viable option. We all have different intersecting experiences that impact our lives such as the region we live in, whether we pass or not, our age, religion, culture, socio-economic status, etc.

Consider your own boundaries and actively communicate what you expect in a relationship.

What’s important is to know that this shame is not yours, it’s theirs, and is a result of stigma in our society. Knowing this doesn’t necessarily make it any easier to experience. It can be hard creating boundaries so you don’t internalise their shame and blame yourself. Know you are beautiful and that you deserve more.

“Early in my transition I remember being really affected by men who were too ashamed to date me publicly. My girlfriends got me through those times with humour and fierceness. They reminded me that I was literally a goddess and those men had a lot of work to do themselves.” Crystal

It’s always good to show compassion to people who may feel ashamed about some aspect of themselves, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with disrespectful behaviour.

Some men may have cultural and religious contexts, or family and community violence concerns about being “outed” as trans attracted, whilst for others it may be more around their own insecurities.

“Some men I’ve dated come from refugee and asylum seeker backgrounds or come from a family or communities with strict religious or cultural beliefs. When I identify that their concerns about publicly dating are based around real risks for them in their community or families, I tend to be a bit more forgiving. Then I evaluate whether they’re treating me with respect in others ways. I just don’t tolerate any man projecting their internalised experiences of shame onto me.” Electra

Sometimes we as trans women can get nervous about public dating too, and concerned about other people’s perception even if our partners are relaxed. Be gentle on yourself. It may take time, and a supportive partner will be understanding.

“I remember the very first guy I dated. I was super self-conscious the whole time at the restaurant. I was really concerned he was freaking out about being with a trans woman, but he was relaxed the whole time. So it was very affirming for me.” Olivia

We understand for many trans women that public dating may feel dangerous or out of reach. We also acknowledge that for some trans women private dating can be fulfilling, nurturing and respectful.

“I would love to get taken out to dinner, wined and dined, have four dates before it gets to sex. I am not afforded that luxury. If I was cis passing perhaps I could get that or if I was a cis woman I could definitely get that. I do however have some long-term private relationships I have carved out for myself. They may look different to other people’s relationships, but they are still valid and make they me feel good.” Electra

Pressure to be hyper feminine

Trans women are beautiful however they choose to express their gender identity. There is not one way to be feminine or to be a woman. Society’s beauty standards affect all women, and this is further amplified for trans women. There can be so much pressure for trans women to present as hyper-feminine. An example of this can be the expectation that all trans women should pass, or want to pass.

“Earlier on in transition I was avoiding men and I think a lot of that came from feeling like I was not meeting their standards. I didn’t feel desirable. It’s not just men, there is broad pressure from society to meet these beauty standards. Men tend to be the ones who reinforce them more than anyone else but they’re coming from everything we’re exposed to.” Moss

People often openly critique trans women’s expressions, mannerisms, voices, and our bodies comparing them to society’s expectations of cis women. Sadly, this may be common amongst men who date trans women. Some may do this because of their own insecurities, whilst others may use this as a tactic to gain power or control.

“I always found it offensive when men would make derogatory remarks on other trans women’s appearance by saying, ‘she looks more masculine or she still looks like a bloke’. I think it said more about their own insecurities. Personally I don’t really care about whether I pass (as a woman) or not.” Candy

Supportive partners give you the space for your own autonomy in regards to your self-expression. They affirm you in the way you choose to present.

“I wouldn’t want anyone to feel pressure to live up to any kind of beauty standard because that’s not what matters to me.” James

Give yourself the permission to explore and express your gender in whatever ways that are authentic to you and make you feel empowered.

Passing

Passing refers to when people cannot tell or do not know a person has a transgender or gender diverse experience based on external appearance. It’s a complex idea that affects every trans woman in some way. Ultimately the idea that trans women should or must pass, re-enforces outdated gender stereotypes and beauty myths, and is harmful. The diversity of trans experiences should be celebrated whether we pass or not. We are all beautiful in our own unique way, and passing does not determine womanhood or femininity.

Some trans women seek to pass for different reasons, including an authentic expression of our gender, increased safety (ie. to minimise risk of transphobic street harassment or discrimination), greater access to relationships and public dating with men, and social acceptance. However passing can also mean that you have to navigate disclosure to people unaware of your trans history or experience, which can impact your safety and wellbeing.

“The one benefit of not passing is that moment of disclosure often isn’t something you need to be as concerned about, because you read as a trans person.” Stella

Whilst passing may be important to some, it’s not something that everyone can or even may want to achieve. Unfortunately men often prioritise passing and cis beauty standards because of societal attitudes and their own worries that other people might know they are trans attracted. This can really impact trans women who may not pass.

“I love looking visibly trans. I don’t pass and nor do I want to. I feel that trans women who don’t pass can get a very raw deal with men. Passing does not equate to beauty or attractiveness. I know many of the men I’ve dated have been romantically interested in me, but stigma creates these tremendous barriers to more serious relationships and public dating. The problem is not that I don’t pass, the problem is cisnormativity. It’s societal attitudes and it’s also men’s shame.” Electra

The issue isn’t about whether you pass or not, it’s about men’s behaviour, community attitudes and rigid gender norms.

“If men are worried that a woman looks masculine or she doesn’t meet certain beauty standards – well we just can’t all look like Laverne Cox, that’s not going to work. I hope men are a bit more willing to see past that. It's a big part of the struggle, that men are programmed to find certain things attractive. No woman should be held to those beauty standards.” Stella

Celebrate the diversity that exists within our community. Show yourself love and compassion regardless of your choices and what is achievable, accessible and authentic to you.

Gender affirmation and gender autonomy

There are many different ways that trans women affirm their gender. Your identity is valid regardless of your social, legal, medical or cultural affirmation status.

Trans women are in the best position to know what is right for their own bodies.

The diversity of trans experiences should be celebrated we are all beautiful in our own unique ways.

“Any comments from men about whether any part of my body looks more feminine versus masculine are 100% unacceptable.” Electra

Men and broader society can put significant pressure on trans women to look and present in certain ways, in particular to meet beauty standards imposed upon women.

Many trans women talk about the pressure they receive from men in regard to medical affirmation procedures, where men centre their own desires and preferences.

“One guy I was dating recently started commenting on my appearance saying that everything about me is very feminine except my bum. He kept saying I needed bum implants so it would look more like a woman’s. But I am a woman. It’s my body and I make my own choices. But no thank you, next!” Roxanne

At times this may even be coercive, with one-sided discussions that can leave trans women feeling a loss of autonomy, undesirable, or can contribute to a poor sense of body positivity.

“Throughout my life I’ve had men try to pressure me to either have or not have gender reassignment surgery. They have also put significant pressure on me to have other feminising surgeries so I’ll look as cis passing as possible. But it’s my body, my choice. They can just back off.” Candy

Some men may put pressure on trans women to have genital surgeries. Others, particularly men who fetishise trans women, may put pressure on them not to.

It’s your body. It’s important to consider what’s right for you, free from the influence of others.

“Early in transition I felt a lot of pressure from men not to have lower surgery. During sexual experiences some men would obsess over my genitals which was deeply upsetting and often traumatic as I had significant body dysphoria. Now that I’ve had lower surgery, I find that many men who would have fetishised me aren’t interested. In all honesty it’s a huge relief I don’t have to deal with them anymore.” Crystal

Right to privacy

You have the right to privacy and to have your body respected. That includes the right to choose when, where and how to disclose to men about your physical body and anatomy.

Some trans women might choose to disclose this information upfront, like on their dating profiles. Other trans women might feel the information is private and choose to disclose at a later date.

If you don’t want to disclose this information at any point, consider ways to deflect these questions or get men to disclose what they are looking for.

“For so long I felt uncomfortable when men on dating apps asked me explicit questions about my body as soon as we started chatting. If I didn’t have the body they were looking for, they often weren’t respectful or kind, just crude rejections. I now ask men if they are looking for a particular type of trans woman, rather than let them ask invasive questions about my body. I can now choose whether they are the right guy for me.” Electra

Fetishisation & objectification

When trans women are respected, we are seen and celebrated for who we are as a whole person. We have the right, when navigating intimacy and sex, to explore our own needs and desires. Our partners should inquire about our boundaries and what makes us feel good and safe.

“I haven’t had lower surgery and I was really nervous about my partner seeing my body when we first got together. I felt that I needed to dress up and look perfect all the time, with make-up or my wig. However, he made me feel really comfortable with my body and accepted me however I looked, whether or not I was glam.” Aurora

However, when hooking up with or dating men, many trans women have had disrespectful or harmful experiences. Many men centre their own desires and fantasies without concern or consideration of the impact these behaviours may have on their partner(s).

“You have to wade through a lot of people if you're looking for a romantic or even intimate connection with a cis male. Most of the time they are only after you for some quick greasy desire that’s very unsatisfying, as opposed to something that is genuine and respectful.” Eva

Trans women often report experiencing objectification, including racial objectification, where men treat them as an object of desire for sexual gratification rather than seeing them – as a whole person or a potential long term partner.

“In the bedroom when they’re having all those fantasies, they’re saying ‘Oh my God I love you, I’m going to be with you forever.’ They make endless promises. But after they orgasm they want to leave straight away. No conversation, no talking about if they had fun or if they want to see me again, nothing. They just get up and leave. Then after a few weeks they call you and that behaviour starts again. They say ‘I love you, I miss you.’ Not because they like you or even see you as a person, just because they want to use you for sex.” Roxanne

Trans women often feel they are fetishised by men: where they are sexually desired only because of their trans identity, particular aspects of their bodies, skin colour, race or ethnicity and are treated in a very one-dimensional way.

“I’ve had men message me saying ‘I like Asian trans women’. For me it’s a red flag and a huge turn off. It demonstrates that he’s fetishising all South/East Asian women without understanding the assumptions and stereotypes he’s making. I feel reduced to my skin tones and features, as if everything I have fought for and built for myself means nothing.” Arl

How can you tell if you’re being objectified or fetishised?

There are a number of different behaviours that can be associated with the objectification and fetishisation of trans women including:

• Hypersexual conversations
• No interest in any other aspect of your life, only talks about sex
• Demanding you dress up for them, wear particular or hyper-sexualised clothing
• Fixation on specific body parts, including the genitals of trans women who have not had genital surgery
• Continued requests to provide explicit images or videos even after you have said no
• Pressuring to re-enact porn scenes or engage in particular sexual acts
• Use of degrading or humiliating language or behaviours
• Demanding sex before even getting to know you
• Only interested in hooking up rather than a date or a relationship
• Leaves immediately after having sex.

Trans women of colour may also be impacted by racial objectification, stereotypes and racism. Examples include:

• Assumptions and expectations about culture, ethnicity, and associated experiences
• Fixation on skin colour, race or ethnicity
• Only dating people of a particular race or ethnicity.
• Sexual racism eg. only dating white trans women
• Expectations to meet western beauty standards
• Expectations to adhere to western trans cultural narratives and standards.

Often men who engage in these behaviours use coercive tactics to have their fantasies and desires met.

Many trans women develop their own screening processes to protect themselves from these harmful behaviours.

“I think anyone specifically stating what I need to wear before they meet me is a big warning sign.” Katrina

“Now I try to start a conversation first, to see how they respond. I’ve found the less willing they are to engage with me as a person, the more likely they will fail to see me as one.” Stella

“I’ve changed my dating profile to talk about consent, respect and my boundaries. Perhaps I got a few less messages, but it really filtered out a lot of the guys who were objectifying me. The rest I managed to weed out or even change their behaviour by stating in our chats that I wasn’t into being fetishised or disrespected. I feel like I took back my power from men.” Electra

Inform partners of your boundaries and how you like to be treated.

Whether it be a hook-up, a first date or a long term relationship, respectful men will inquire about your whole life, ask about your boundaries, and be willing to learn and address their own biases.

“My previous partner was really respectful of both my trans identity and my culture. He had an open and inquisitive nature and was willing to learn about Fa’afafine experiences. I think my previous partner was really respectful of both my trans identity and my culture. He had an open and inquisitive nature and was willing to learn about Fa’afafine experiences. I think my culture actually helped him address the assumptions he held of trans women and his transphobia, because he saw that Fa’afafine are respected and have a place within our society.” Shirley

Navigating consent & pleasure

When your partner(s) are respectful, sex can be a fun, affirming and empowering experience and even fantastic for our mental health and wellbeing. For trans women who are beginning to affirm their gender identity it can also be a way to explore and expand our new relationships with our bodies.

“Before we had sex for the first time he asked me so much about my life and what I liked sexually, he made me feel so comfortable and safe. He’s always respectful in terms of consent, checking in to ensure I’m also enjoying myself.” Aurora

For others, navigating sexual experiences whilst also navigating gender, bodies, stigma and transphobia can make sex nerve wracking or even a bit scary.

“I always felt uncomfortable with that bottom region but for the first couple of years of my transition I was sleeping with people and using that area despite it making me feel uncomfortable. It took a date asking me if I liked having sex and if there was anything that made me feel uncomfortable to realise that I actually didn’t like having sex.” Nicole

No matter who you are, or what you enjoy it’s important to consider your personal boundaries. Making time to reflect upon how you like to be treated and what works for you can be helpful in terms of navigating sex and intimacy. What gives you pleasure? What sexual acts do you like and not like? What would you like to try? Where do you like and not like to be touched?

“Can we start with, ‘How are you going? How are you feeling? Are there parts of your body you’re more or less comfortable with? Are there ways I can make you feel more comfortable with those parts of your body?’” Crystal

Communicating upfront to negotiate and discuss your needs and how you will both communicate your consent, can assist in creating a safe and pleasurable experience.

“My partner has been really open to having discussions about sex, and what sex can look like for us, because of various genital surgeries including recovery. We negotiated what worked for both our bodies. He listened to me, took my concerns seriously and demonstrated care for me and my body.” Petra

How an intimate partner interacts with our body can be a wonderful experience. It’s important we know our bodies and what we like, so we can clearly communicate our boundaries and desires.

Some people and possibly the men you are meeting, will have low levels of understanding about trans women’s lives, bodies and sexuality.

• They may be unaware or unfamiliar with the language you use to describe your body
• They may have limited knowledge of body dysphoria
• They may even make assumptions about your body that are wrong or ill-informed.

Sharing resources about these issues including in our “Information for men who date trans women” page may assist in helping them navigate consent and be respectful.

Many trans women we interviewed discuss feeling used by men, that men were centering their own fantasies, pleasure, desires, or sexual gratification without consideration of their partner's needs or boundaries.

“I definitely have had dysphoria around my genitals when I was a teenager, and at various times in adulthood. When I’ve been in sexual relationships with men in the past, having that part of my body obsessed over or masculinized made me really uncomfortable.” Stella

Learning to safety plan, evaluate risks, and develop techniques to keep safe was a very real part of many trans women’s experience of navigating dating and hookups. It is important to note that you are never responsible for other people’s actions or behaviors – and that sexual assault is a crime. Tips and safety strategies from the trans women we interviewed included:

“I’ve always made sure my first dates are at a public venue so if I had to ask for help, to get away or anything like that I felt safe enough to do that.” Olivia

“I always let a girlfriend know when I’m going on a date. I won’t ever go to anyone’s house without their name or a photograph of them, their phone number, and address. I’ll send her that information so she knows where I’m going, who it’s with and whether I’m planning on coming home or not. I’ll let her know that if I’m not coming home I will message you. If you haven’t heard from me by midnight, something’s wrong, you need to call this person, here’s the address, all that stuff.” Stella

Sex is complicated and can be difficult to talk about, especially when transphobia and homophobia are influencing men’s ideas of you. Regardless of your body or whether you’ve had any form of lower surgery, sex with men can be complicated by them fetishizing or feeling uncomfortable with our genitals. Having men obsess over your genitals without active consent can feel awkward or be incredibly distressing. Equally having men refuse to look at or touch your genitals when that might be something you desire can be hard to negotiate. We all have the right to experience pleasure, intimacy, and consenting touch.

“Consent is really important to me. We all have different things we may or may not be comfortable with. As a trans woman who does not want to have genital reconfiguration surgery, I’ve had sex with partners who may not be totally comfortable with my junk. With guys who’ve shown me respect we’ve had open conversations and come up with creative solutions that work for both of us.” Electra

Some trans women discussed their experiences of dissociating. This could look like zoning out or staring during sex. This might be because they were unable to recognize their feelings of dysphoria or they weren’t comfortable with the sex they were having or couldn’t assert their boundaries. Dissociating is a coping strategy.

Dissociation during sex is not that unusual and it can be as a result of a range of things. For example, stress, body discomfort, fear of intimacy or rejection, insecurity, or past experiences of trauma.

If you are dissociating during sex, this is your body telling you this experience isn’t what you want. Having a break during sex, taking a few slow deep breaths, and communicating with your sexual partner(s) can be a start.

“I’d often go out of my way to fulfill other people’s expectations even if it wasn’t what I felt comfortable with. I felt like I owed them something because of my trans-ness, because they accepted me despite my trans-ness. I felt some kind of obligation to them.” Q

Some trans women talk about their experiences of feeling obliged to meet their partner(s) sexual desires in order to be loved or because of feelings of guilt. We all want to be seen and respected and experience human connection.

“I wanted to feel love. I really needed that and craved that. I was forcing myself into intimate situations I wasn’t comfortable with, because I felt that was what I had to do to feel loved.” Nicole

Self-care & getting support

When navigating intimacy, romance, dating, and/or relationship life, your safety and well-being are paramount. Sometimes it can be difficult to maintain your boundaries, or people might actively violate your boundaries or consent.

Remember, if you feel worn down by transphobia or inappropriate behavior from men, it’s ok to take a break from dating or hooking up.

“Trans women who are dating cis men are at a disadvantage as we’re often perceived to be at the bottom of society’s power structures. I think what that can mean is sometimes trans women, especially if we’ve gone a long time without a relationship, may accept men’s inappropriate or disrespectful behavior or their unwillingness to learn and change because we feel that it’s hard to find a relationship or that no-one else will love us.” Stella

If in the process of reflecting on your own experiences you recognize that some behaviors of the men in your life have been abusive or harmful, or you may have experienced sexual assault, please know you are not on your own. You have a right to safety and respect and there are services and supports you can access.

Disclosing trans experience to men & their families

Whether we choose to disclose our trans experience is our own personal decision. Some trans women will choose to share this information before meeting a guy. Others will wait until they feel safer to disclose to a partner. Some may choose to never disclose.

We all make our own decisions around disclosure based on a variety of reasons and there’s no right or wrong answers. Some people may talk about disclosure in terms of “coming out” whilst others may think of it as “inviting people in”.

“I’ve always disclosed very early on. Coming out is an easy way to gauge someone’s awareness and understanding. If that bridge burns it’s not a relationship that I would want to continue anyway.” Q

Ultimately we deserve a world where sharing our trans experience with our partner(s) is met with openness, understanding, and celebration. However, disclosing to our partner(s) can impact our safety and well-being if they react poorly.

If you are considering disclosing to a partner, talk to your friends or a service provider and make a plan to keep safe, both emotionally and physically, in the event of a negative response.

“I’ll go on a couple dates and then usually on the second or third date I’ll come out to them after gauging whether or not I think it’s safe.” Nicole

There are common myths some trans women continue to experience in regards to the disclosure, such as trans women are trying to trick, trap, or deceive men for their own personal gain and desire.

“Generally when dating I won’t tell the people I’m trans or gender diverse straight away. I do get very self-conscious. Dating platforms are very social places and I don’t want to out myself to thousands of people. That’s incredibly uncomfortable for me. A lot of men say that’s being deceptive or I’m trying to trick them in some way but it’s about safety and privacy.” Nicole

However, these myths stem from the historical and continued violence and persecution of the transgender community, where trans women have been forced to be discrete about their identities.

There are many different reasons why trans women may choose not to disclose their trans experience. They are all equally valid and should be respected.

“I really wanted to establish a relationship and for him to get to know me, beyond my gender status. When I started to develop a deeper emotional connection with him, and I could see we were building towards a relationship, that was when I decided to share my transgender experience with him.” Hannah

To ensure your safety when disclosing to a partner, consider writing a letter, letting them know over the phone, or meeting in a public place.

Remember to give your partner time to process the disclosure. However he responds, know that you are worthy of love and respect.

It can be helpful to have resources or contact for services at hand where they can learn more about transgender women, discuss their feelings, and work out a respectful response.

Disclosure to your partner’s family & friends

Trans women are an important part of our community. Your partner’s social circle or family should be honored to have you as part of their world and treat you with the same level of respect as anyone else.

“I’ve lived through some hard times but it’s good to see the world changing. I’m always heartened when I hear young people share their positive experiences in relationships. It’s such a different experience from what I had – seeing young men interact with trans women with respect. Now, there’s so much more positive visibility of our relationships. It gives me hope for the future.” Petra

Whether we choose to disclose is our own personal decision but it’s something that may need to be navigated with your partner. It’s important that you feel safe and respected, whatever choices you make.

Navigating elements of disclosure, to your partner’s family and friends may be impacted by how we are read by others or whether we pass. Some trans women might prefer to have this information shared upfront. Some trans women may not pass. Others may negotiate with their partners a time that feels right for them.

Having a strong foundation or a united front in addressing any inappropriate responses or invasive questions can be invaluable.

“My partner and I had to prepare for meeting his family. I was pretty cis passing at the time, but there were things about my physical appearance where people might be able to tell I was trans. The only way I would agree to it was if he 100% backed me up if anyone made any comments or realized through the dinner that I might be trans. It was the women in the family who ended up making snide comments, but he defended me all the way. It made me feel proud and supported. He showed how much he actually cared for me.” Candy

Many trans women may have experiences where their partners are apprehensive, or refuse to introduce their trans partner to their family and friends.

It can be distressing feeling like you’re being hidden, or that you don’t have the opportunity to integrate into your partner’s whole life.

Many relationships between trans women and men break down around the question of disclosing to his family and friends. As trans women we all need to make our own decisions. There is no right or wrong answer.

“It’s very sad to say but I’m used to being hidden. It’s not fair for me and I should put more value on myself, but I can’t change everything. I can’t reject everybody, and at some point I have to accept that it is what it is. I have left many of the men I’ve loved because I got offended when they wouldn’t introduce me to the other people in their lives. I ask myself how many times I have to do that in my life, and I don’t want to be miserable or lonely. I can’t push that person or threaten to leave them. How many people have left me because of that?” Roxanne

Trans women bear a disproportionate burden of these issues in our society and we deserve to be part of our partner’s whole lives, including meeting his friends and family. However, respecting our partner’s autonomy in regards to disclosure needs to be taken into account especially in regards to cultural and religious contexts, or family and community violence concerns.

Being upfront in your relationship about what you need and expect in a healthy relationship, can help manage disagreements about disclosure and “coming out” to family and friends.

“I am very open and upfront on my dating profiles that I am trans. It is not a part of my identity that I hide, nor do I want to be hidden or erased by my romantic partners. Before going on dates or starting a romantic relationship with a man, I ask him whether he would be willing to go on dates in public. Using this to filter men allows me to date men who wouldn't be ashamed to be seen with me and will invite me into all parts of his life, including meeting his friends and being welcomed into his family.” Eva

Having children

Trans women have the right to have a family if they choose. Many couples may be considering having children as part of their relationship and this might be something you want to discuss with your partner. Whether or not to have children is a personal decision for anyone. There is no right or wrong answer.

There is also no right or wrong way to start a family, and it is equally valid for a couple to decide not to have children. There are lots of options for trans women and men to have children, including surrogacy and IVF, fostering and adoption.

“I do want to have kids. I would like to adopt in the future. I don’t mind not having genetically related children and that’s something my partner and I have talked about. It's not a big barrier for us in our relationship, but it was an issue for his mum. She told him he needed to have a family, to have children, and that being with me wasn’t possible. But we can have a family if we want.” Liz

As for any woman in a relationship, your worth should never be judged on whether you can bear children, or if you even want to be a parent at all.

Some trans women may already be in relationships where they have children, have had children in previous relationships, or where their partner has children from previous marriages.

“I was married 25 years. My husband and I adopted two children because we wanted a family. We’re not together anymore but we still talk and he is still the father to my children. My children have grown up now and they accept me for who I am. I am proud of them. We have had some challenges along the way, but as they grew up we overcame them together. They are close to my heart. I love them.” Jessie

Some men may feel or experience pressure from their family to leave trans women because she can’t give birth, but it is never appropriate to reduce any woman’s worth to their capacity to bear children.

If you or your partner are experiencing significant pressure or abuse from your extended families consider accessing a family violence service or similar support service.

Whatever decisions people make around parenting in their lives, they should be respected.

Lateral violence & internalised transphobia

Internalised transphobia can affect trans women due to their own experiences of stigma, discrimination, outdated myths, and gender stereotypes. This may manifest in imposing beliefs and attitudes on ourselves that may be harmful.

Occasionally this unprocessed internalised transphobia may lead us to criticise other trans women. This issue of lateral violence can impact individual people and our broader communities, leading many to feel isolated, unworthy and unsupported

“As a non-binary trans feminine person I experience incredible amounts of pressure around beauty myths, beauty standards and expressing my gender identity in a binary way. It’s terrible when it comes from other trans women, like brutal. Comments like ‘she has masculine features’ or ‘oh they don’t pass’ have hurt me at times. But ally-ship is really important. I find it more hurtful when my own community puts me down rather than supports me.” Candy

You may be experiencing internalised transphobia or have experienced or enacted lateral violence.

Seek support, be gentle on yourself and check in on how your beliefs or behaviours may be affecting yourself and others.

Healthy communities need everybody. We’re stronger together.

“At times in my life, other trans women have stood beside me when I’ve been struggling or dealing with transphobia. Having their unconditional support and allowing me to express my identity in a way that feels right for me gave me the strength to thrive. I try to surround myself with trans women who celebrate the diversity that exists within our community and who fiercely love one another.” Petra

Supporting your partner

In the process of affirming our gender identity many trans women have developed incredible strength and resilience. We may have developed specific skills in addressing discrimination and overcoming the barriers we face on a daily basis.

In order to be our authentic selves many trans women have been able to move beyond societal pressures and fears that can inhibit growth. These internal resources are invaluable and can be very transformative to share with our partners.

“In terms of accessing relationships I have to do a lot of work. I’m like a therapist for my partners. I feel I have to do this because I need to help them work through their own fear and shame in order to access healthy relationships. I’ve actually become incredibly skilled at helping men be comfortable with their attraction to trans women so they can show me the respect I deserve. There is an incredible burden in that work, but equally I acknowledge the power and beauty in the capacity I have to assist people transform their experiences of shame.” Electra

However many of the guys we may be romantically or intimately involved with may not have the same level of experience or skills in addressing discrimination and stigma around their relationships, especially if they identify as heterosexual.

As men explore their attraction or relationships with trans women they may be questioning their sexuality or be concerned about myths, stigma and discrimination from others.

“Over the years I’ve dated a number of men who have felt insecure about the perception that dating trans women may be labelled as gay. I’ve had to help them work through their insecurities around their sexuality and create some boundaries because I identify as a heterosexual trans woman not a man.” Candy

Talking to your partner about how you have developed resilience and your own coping strategies in dealing with discrimination may be useful to them.

Men with poor internal resources may inappropriately project or blame trans women for their experiences of shame, stigma and discrimination-or demand that trans women provide all of the emotional support they require to process these experiences.

Trans women often talk about the significant amount of emotional labour in regards to supporting their partners. Men’s poor help seeking barriers and limited options for referrals to service providers, who are competent to work with their unique experiences, places further burdens on us to provide support.

“So often in new relationships I find myself in every role in his life; mother, lover, therapist, friend. If I find they’re asking too much of me, I’ll try introducing him to some of my girlfriends’ partners or other men who are trans allies. Let the boys figure it out.” Crystal

Setting boundaries around your partner’s behaviours-and the support you can provide, is essential for a healthy relationship. Encourage them to seek supports outside of your relationship through resources, service providers and their own social networks.

Mental health

“Having a long term relationship has helped me find stability in my life and given me the space to achieve my goals. I feel like I’ve left the emotional rollercoaster behind. We all need love but I’m so happy I’ve found that with someone who respects me and supports me.” Aurora

Sometimes the barriers to healthy relationships, the harmful behaviours of our partner(s) or our extended families can have significant impacts on our mental health and wellbeing.

Due to some of the experiences we’re talked about in this resource some trans women may feel disempowered, depressed, anxious or may even have given up looking for a partner altogether. This is not an uncommon experience, many trans women express these feelings.

“It’s been a while since I’ve been on any dates, I actually can’t remember how long. The last couple times were not terrible but they weren’t great either. I don’t know, maybe I’ve given up. Trans life can be hard enough without adding the pressure of looking for a romantic partner and navigating all this while holding his hand through it too. It’s pretty lonely and I wish I wasn’t so overwhelmed by it all.” Crystal

There can be a great sense of loss when you cannot access a relationship or where a relationship may break down because of societal pressure.

Accessing supports to unpack your experiences, discuss issues within your relationships or how to create healthier boundaries in relationships can be really helpful. Check out our referral guide for where you can seek mental health support and relationship advice.

“I just put it all out of my head. I put on some make-up, fix my hair and throw on a frock so I’m looking fabulous. I hit the streets with confidence, attitude and self-respect. Any sideways looks gets some sass. I ain’t putting up with no lip cause I know who I am and I’m feeling gorgeous. No man is keeping me down!” Candy

Some trans women have developed strategies and routines to look after their mental health and wellbeing.

“I’ve got my friends and family and they keep me pretty loved up and busy. I’m lucky to have a great psychologist too, she’s awesome. Plus my dog is cute as heck.” Crystal