Find out more about our choices in referencing gender within this resource.

Dating and hooking up with trans women can be fun and can lead to healthy and fulfilling relationships. Many men have romantic and or sexual relationships with trans women. Some men are attracted to a diversity of women, including trans women, and some are attracted exclusively to trans women. Whatever the case may be, we all deserve fulfilling and respectful relationships.

It can be hard, however, to find good quality information that supports men and trans women to have healthy relationships. This website contains stories, resources, and tips that can help.

This content comes from conversations with trans women and with men who are attracted to and may be in relationships with trans women. You can learn more about the project here.

“My sexuality developed during my teenage years and I just kind of found that there’s a big place in my heart for trans women.” James

When talking about our relationships and experiences, it’s important to recognise that no two people are the same. Our age, ability, culture, faith, class, family, gender, sexuality and other aspects of our identity and lives make us unique. Whilst there may be overlapping experiences within communities, we all have our individual stories and lived experience.

Visibility & stigma

Relationships between men and trans women are valid and should be celebrated. These relationships may be more common than you think.

“I’m married to a trans woman. It’s just like any other marriage… sticking with our relationship makes it worthwhile and we’re happy together. It’s other people and their perceptions that sometimes cause problems or challenges, but we’ve learnt to deal with them as a team.” Ben

Unfortunately, there can sometimes be challenges for men dating trans women. For example, you may not have seen many happy relationships between men and trans women shown on television, film, or within your community, family and friendship groups.

“I never had anyone in my life that I’d known that was interested in trans women.” Mark

In some communities, people may have negative views about trans women and their partners.

“I don’t think my family would be accepting if my girlfriend was trans.” David

For some men these experiences can contribute to feelings of shame, isolation, feeling unsafe, or being nervous about their relationships and desires. Sometimes this can lead to men being secretive about their relationships with trans women.

“I was anxious, worried about people knowing–and not once did I ever think I was going to tell anyone.” Mark

All these feelings are understandable and it’s important you take time to acknowledge and process them so they don’t negatively impact on your relationships or self-esteem. Hearing positive stories from other men can often help.

“A couple of the trans women I’ve gotten to know have boyfriends and they’ve been together for such a long time now. I see them out together, you know, doing normal things and stuff like that. It made me feel like it’s possible, just seeing them together; walking, talking, holding hands. I really envy their relationships.” Tony

Consider finding someone in your life who might be supportive and safe to talk to or call a support line.

“My friend was the first guy to come out and tell me he was attracted to trans women, and I thought it was awesome that there was someone else like me.” David

Many men have come to a place of self-acceptance and are more concerned about living a happy life with the person they love, than what others may think.

“I’m just the kind of person who doesn’t care what other people think. Why would I let the opinion of someone I don’t know affect who I am or who I choose to associate with? You know who you are attracted to or love. Go with it and be happy.” Michael

Sexuality

Exploring your sexuality is a healthy part of adult development, no matter who you are attracted to. Lots of men are attracted to trans women, including men who identify as straight, heteroflexible, bisexual, pansexual or prefer no labels at all. Being a man is not defined by who you find attractive.

“There’s still a lot of people who think men who date trans women are gay.” David

Some men, however, may be confused about their attraction and what this means about their own sexual identity. Straight men in particular might be concerned about what dating trans women means about their sexuality or how other people may perceive them.

“I can’t explain why I have an attraction to transgender people, but I do. Does it make me gay, does it make me straight, or does it even matter? For me, I settled on it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I’m happy and I’m with someone that I like being with.” Rob

How you identify is up to you and can also change over time. What’s important is that you are comfortable with yourself and that you treat your partners with respect.

“The first few times after sex I thought, ‘oh why did I do that, I’m a straight guy’. I was regretful but then of course I wanted to see her again. I can’t remember if I was nervous or not, but it was something new for me.” Patrick

Some trans women might welcome being with men who are new to dating and intimacy with trans women, and others may be looking for men who have more experience. It’s always good to be transparent when talking with trans women about where you are at, and to be curious and considerate of their needs and boundaries as well.

Feeling comfortable with yourself and your sexuality can form a solid foundation for enjoyable relationships. However you identify, it is vital to be respectful of the people you are dating or hooking up with. Trans women often talk about the harm caused by men who feel insecure about their attractions and desires.

“Sleeping with or dating trans women doesn’t make you gay. We are not men. It’s so disrespectful when guys project their own fear and shame onto me, because they are freaking out about their sexuality and stigma in society. In their spiral of shame, often after sex, men can sometimes be mean or rude, and it’s really hurtful. I deserve better. I deserve to be treated with respect.” Electra

Some men later regret the decisions they made in moments of shame and realise the hurt they may have caused their partner or date.

“I once had an opportunity to go out on a date with a trans woman, but because I only saw her as a sexual thing it didn’t go well. I ended up saying I couldn’t meet. I’m sorry I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t see her outside of the bedroom setting rather than in a normal setting like she wanted. She was amazing, a good salt of the earth woman, and I just had that one chance to see her. Yeah, she’s gone now. I feel bad for that to be honest, I actually regret that quite a bit.” Tony

On the other hand, guys who grow comfortable with themselves and are able to move beyond these kinds of challenges have found relationships that are long lasting and rewarding.

Trans women also identify in many different ways, in terms of gender, sexuality and culture, and can be attracted to all types of people. For many, feeling part of and connected to the LBGTIQA+ community is very important for finding friends, support, and is a source of pride.

Some trans women may want their partners to be supportive if they identify as part of the LGBTIQA+ community, even if their partners identify as straight.

“I’d want a partner to be able to come into a queer space with me and even though they didn’t feel queer themselves, they could connect to a sense of queerness because that’s who their partner is.” Stella

It can be challenging navigating LGBTIQA+ spaces when you don’t know the culture or the language, and you may be worried about offending people or behaving in a way that is not socially acceptable. Your partner may be able to provide some guidance. You can demonstrate your support by accessing resources to learn more about LGBTIQA+ culture.

trans101.org.au
transhub.org.au
vic.gov.au/inclusive-language-guide

It may take time to build trust and connection. Being willing to listen, learn, grow and be respectful will help with this.

All sorts of men can be attracted to trans women. Some men may be specifically attracted to trans women, whilst others may be attracted to a diversity of women or attracted to femininity. Others might have never thought about it before but meet a woman they like who discloses that she is transgender. No two men who date trans women are the same.

It is important to know that many transgender women do not like men being specifically attracted to them solely because they are transgender.

“I want to be seen as a woman, but if you’re only attracted to trans people you’re not really seeing me for who I am. I’ve always wanted to be seen as a woman first who has a trans experience, as a part of my history, as a part of who I am. I’ve often found that when people are solely trans attracted those relationships haven’t worked out for me, and the relationships that have worked for me are with people that are attracted to me as a person first.” Hannah

Trans women may find this objectifying. They may feel men are treating them only as an object of desire, rather seeing them as a whole person.

“I personally don’t care so much if men are specifically attracted to trans women. I’m more looking at their behaviors. Are they seeing me as an object and as a fetish or are they actually wanting to get to know me? Because if you do want to get to know me and hang out with me for more than just sex, then I may be interested. But if you’re demanding me to act and dress in a particular way and you’re not treating me like a human being, then I’ll walk away.” Electra

Trans women often feel they are fetishised by men and treated in a one-dimensional way.

“I’ve slept with guys who fetishised me. It’s so boring, it’s just so unsatisfying. No one wants to be objectified for any part of their body, to experience having a part of your body kind of obsessed over by someone who’s ignoring that you’re a person.” Stella

Desiring trans women solely because of their trans identity, their race or particular aspects of their bodies can be very hurtful. It can cause trans women to be wary of men who behave like this, and they may choose not to interact further.

“My experience of dating men who objectify trans women is that my pleasure is never centred. I couldn’t date them because when you’re objectified, when you’re fetishised, you’re the object so you don’t have desires yourself. It’s like you’re not even there, you’re an object of a fantasy in their mind. It’s also linked to their feelings of shame, where they almost didn’t want to get to know me because it made me more real and that made their shame bigger.” Crystal

“Look I had my lower surgery (vaginoplasty) almost six years ago and I still often get men asking me for dick pics. That always made me feel really gross–and then once I’d had surgery the interest from some men just disappeared. It was like I’m no longer desirable to trans feminine attracted men because I now had a vagina.” Crystal

Just as no two men who date trans women are the same, neither are any two trans women. Remember to treat each trans woman you meet as a complex individual with her own unique personality, history and desires.

Trans women of colour from diverse cultural backgrounds talked about being multiply objectified, because of their skin colour, race or ethnicity. This experience may be called racial objectification or sexual racism.

“I’ve had men message me saying ‘I like Asian trans women’. For me it’s a red flag and a huge turn off. It demonstrates that he’s fetishizing all South/East Asian women without understanding all the assumptions and stereotypes he’s making. I feel reduced to my skin tones and features, as if everything I have fought and built for myself means nothing.” Arl

Stereotypes are harmful. They prevent people from seeing someone else’s authentic whole self. When interacting with trans women of diverse cultural backgrounds, consider the false assumptions and stereotypes you may have absorbed from media or broader society about their culture or faith. If you are dating someone from a different cultural background from yours, do some further research so you can be informed and respectful.

“I have different tones, being brown is one of them. As Pacifica women there are stereotypes of us which include being free-spirited, happy go lucky, funny, devoted to the church, home makers and baby-sitters. Men sometimes impose these stereotypes on us. I find this limiting and reductive because I am actually a strong, outspoken and independent woman.” Shirley

“He started off by asking if I was Thai and bringing up his attraction to “LadyBoys” (Kathoey). He assumed I was from Thailand. But Kathoey is a very specific term for gender diverse people in Thailand and I’m Vietnamese.” Arl

Trans women who have migrated to Australia will have varied levels of exposure to Australian culture and their experiences will differ. It’s important not to make any assumptions or have pre-conceived ideas about cultural background and ethnicity.

“I am Vietnamese and I’m tired of being called Asian because Vietnamese culture is very rich. It’s very distinctive from its neighbouring countries such as Cambodia, Thailand, China and Singapore. I hope people respect my individual cultural heritage.” Arl

Trans women from diverse cultural backgrounds may frame their experiences differently from other trans women. They may use specific language or terminology (eg. Kinner, Kathoey, Fa’afafine) to describe their identities. They may have different cultural responsibilities and expectations compared with western experiences of trans culture. All trans women’s experiences are unique and should never be narrowed down to a single narrative.

“My cultural identity is just as unique as my gender identity. Learn to fall in love with both. You can be mindful and respectful of both those parts of myself, they complement each other. My culture can be celebrated as a part of my authentic self.” Shirley

In a healthy relationship each person is free to express themselves in ways that feel good to them. Being a supportive partner means allowing trans women to be in control of their appearance, expression, voice, and bodies.

“I wouldn’t want anyone to feel pressure to live up to any kind of beauty standard, because that’s not what matters to me.” James

There can be a lot of pressure in our society for trans women to appear hyper-feminine and meet outdated gender stereotypes. Rather than telling your partner to dress up for you, or commenting on how another woman looks, support her to express herself in the way that is most comfortable for her.

“My voice doesn’t sound very feminine, but I don’t care. I am who I am, and this is how I speak.” Katrina

If you expect your partners to look or act a certain way, it is worth taking some time to think about why, and where those ideas came from. Are they just stereotypes?

There are lot of rigid gender stereotypes in our society that can influence our ideas about trans women, and about femininity. These ideas, if unchallenged, can impact trans women heavily.

“I find men can put enormous pressure on trans women to appear hyper feminine– the way you talk or sit, your hair, your physical aspects such as accessing hormones and breast implants. They make us become so self-conscious about how we appear and act, that it impacts your confidence and self-esteem. You’re so hyper aware of how you are perceived that it develops into severe anxiety. But it’s not actually about us, they’re projecting all of their own insecurities onto us because they’re worried about what other people will think of them for dating a trans woman.” Candy

Ultimately, you should date someone for who they are, not how you (or society) think they should be.

Many men may first discover their attraction to trans women through porn, and some talk about it being a positive space to explore their sexuality. Sometimes, however, the types of porn available have very limited, often racialised, ideas about trans women and the sex they like to have. This can perpetuate one dimensional stereotypes.

“I can tell that their only experience with trans people has been through porn, when they use outdated and offensive language, or they’re being very pushy to see or interact with certain body parts on myself that I’m not comfortable with. That’s a huge red flag. It happens too often. Generally, if I feel fetishised, I usually cut it off and stop speaking to that person.” Nicole

Unfortunately, trans women often talk about the negative sexual experiences they’ve had with men who may be attempting to re-enact porn scenes, or have learnt inappropriate behaviours.

Separating out the fantasy of pornography from how you interact and treat people in real life is essential. Consider the porn you’re watching and reflect on what you may be expecting or need to unlearn. Are you trying to act out scenes from porn? How is it impacting on your ability to connect with and show respect for your partner?

“Often I find when I’m chatting to men, they fixate on what I’m wearing. They’ll often ask if I’m wearing a skirt or what kind of underwear I’m wearing, or whether I’d wear stockings when I meet them. So they’re building up a fantasy in their head of what I look like, but in a very forceful and blunt way. That doesn’t feel great.” Eva

If reading this information has raised any concerns for you in relation to your own experiences with trans women, help is available.

Please reach out for support. Check out the services that may be able to assist on our referrals page.

Everyone’s body and their relationship with it is unique. A good way we can show respect to our partners is to be sensitive around the language they prefer.

Trans women may use language to describe their bodies that is different from the language other women use. This is especially relevant for trans women who have not had genital surgery.

“I use the term ‘junk’ for my genitals. I don’t like my partners using the same words for my genitals that men use such as ‘penis or dick’. Other trans women who haven’t had lower surgery* might use other terms that they find is a right fit for them.” Electra

*sometimes called genital reconstruction surgery or other similar terms

If you are in an intimate relationship with a trans woman, use the language she wants to describe her identity and her body.

Trans women and their bodies are incredibly diverse. It’s important not to make assumptions about the type of body a potential date might have, or to pressure her around what medical procedures she may or may not have had. There is no one ‘right’ way to be a trans woman, and everyone’s journey is unique.

“Before I had breast surgery men kept telling me, ‘Oh my god, if you do your breast implants, you’ll become perfect, then I would love to see you every day’. I was always waiting for when I was ready, but they kept telling me all those bullshit things.” Roxanne

Trans women may or may not want to access:

• Vaginoplasty (a surgical procedure where a vagina is created)
• Labiaplasty (a surgical procedure where labia – or external genitalia – are created)
• Orchiectomy (a surgical procedure where testes are removed)
• Breast augmentation (implants)
• HRT (hormones)
• Facial feminization surgery (a surgery that involves the cosmetic modification of facial features, so they appear more feminine)
• Laser hair removal
• Other feminising procedures

Trans women know what’s right for them and their own bodies – and this may change over time.

Support your partner to make her own independent decisions and respect her choices.

Be aware that there can be many different barriers to gender affirming care, such as surgeries or hormones–including financial and geographical barriers and extensive waiting lists.

“After I had my facial feminisation surgery I would ask my partner, ‘What do you think I look like now?’ and he was like ‘You look beautiful, but I still thought you were beautiful before’ and so that sentiment ran through our whole relationship. He just supported me to be myself.” Penelope

Be open to listening and know that trans women are beautiful, whatever choices they make.

Knowing about consent and making sure that it’s present in all sexual activities, relationships and experiences is about making sex enjoyable, respectful, safe and fun – for everyone involved!

Sexual consent is an agreement between people to engage in sexual activity. Consent must be clearly, and most importantly, freely given and communicated. Consent is about healthy, safe relationships.

“For me, dating trans women is the same as any relationship with any person, it should be built around active consent. I’ve found that asking if there is anything I can do to make them feel more comfortable, or if there is anything that needs to be addressed in our personal interactions so I can be more respectful– that is really helpful.” Michael

Talking helps everyone to understand and respect bodies and body autonomy. Always actively seek consent and negotiate boundaries – that is, what both of you are comfortable and not comfortable with doing.

Consent may shift during sexual activity. Checking in throughout sex can ensure consent is maintained.

“Can we start with–How are you going? How are you feeling? Are there parts of your body that you’re more or less comfortable with? Are there ways that I can make you feel more comfortable with those parts of your body?” Crystal

Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn’t considered consent, because it was not given freely.

Be aware of power imbalances in your interactions with trans women. They may not feel empowered to challenge aggressive or demeaning behaviours – but this does not mean they are consenting to your behaviour.

When engaging in sex with trans women ask them:

• How do they like to have sex and what gives them pleasure? You could ask some of the following questions: “what do you want to do?”, “what do you like?”, “what makes you feel good?”
• Share what you enjoy or would like to try, and see what she thinks
• Check in with their needs and potential boundaries:
  • is there anything that you can do to make them feel more comfortable?
  • is there anything that makes them feel uncomfortable or unsafe?
  • is there any part of their body that they don’t like to use?
  • is there anywhere that they don’t want to be touched?
  • ensure your partner feels comfortable to stop any behaviour that begins to feel uncomfortable during sex.

The following behaviours, especially when demanded or not discussed, can have a very negative impact on trans women:

• Demanding trans women dress in hypersexual clothing
• Degradation or humiliation
• Sexually violent fantasies (for example choking – this is extremely dangerous and may lead to death)
• Demanding particular sexual acts or only re-enacting scenes from pornography
• Demanding or expecting some cultural or racialised behaviour based on stereotypes or objectification.

If you are seeking a sexual relationship with a trans woman, always remember that it should be as much for her enjoyment as it is for yours.

She deserves to always be treated with respect, especially in the bedroom, whether that is before, during or after sex.

Some trans women may experience a distress or discomfort with certain parts of their bodies. This is sometimes referred to as body dysphoria. They may not always want to use particular parts of their body or have them touched by others. This can include genitals, but it can be around any part of the body.

These feelings aren’t necessarily permanent and they can change for a variety of reasons.

Ask your partner if there is anything you can do to help alleviate the discomfort.

“I definitely had dysphoria around my genitals when I was a teenager, and at various times in adulthood. When I’ve been in sexual relationships with men in the past, having that part of my body obsessed over or masculinised made me really uncomfortable.” Stella

This may be particularly relevant for trans women who may wish to, but have not yet been able to develop breasts, access breast augmentation or genital surgery.

“Sometimes I don’t feel like having sex or I don’t feel like doing certain stuff, because I’ve felt uncomfortable. With dysphoria you can’t really do much but accept it at this point. I’m saving money to have surgery, but it’s something that I still have to live with for now. I would tell my partner what I am and am not comfortable with, but it’s something we need to agree upon.” Liz

It can be helpful to talk before getting physical, and to approach these discussions with a sense of respectful curiosity rather than expectation. The point is to get to know each other and to build trust.

“I feel much more respected and have a more enjoyable experience when guys check in with me before sex, where they ask me if I’m comfortable. What are my boundaries? What do I like and not like in terms of sex and intimacy? When they invite me to let them know if I want to stop, slow down or take a break. Good lovers have a deep understanding of communication and consent.” Electra

Look out for behaviours. Stop when trans women don’t seem present or comfortable. This may be a sign that they are not comfortable or consenting to particular sexual acts or situations. Remember to check in with her and make space for her to talk about it if she wants to.

Not all trans women have genital surgery, but some do. The time after surgery can present many challenges for those trans women who undergo it. Surgeries can take a long time to recover from, both emotionally and physically, and there can be a significant amount of post-operative care.

Talk to your partner about their relationship with their genitals, how they like to have sex and the care you may need to take – including taking a break from penetrative sex.

“I told him what it was like to go through surgery and he listened. We tried to have intercourse when it was far too early–and I needed to dilate because nothing was happening. We just couldn’t make things work, and I explained to him what I needed to do in order to get things rolling, and he was totally fine with it. He said ‘Yes of course, I know you need to do that.’ He’s been so patient and respectful.” Olivia

Genital reconfiguration surgeries vary and not all outcomes are the same. Above all, be sensitive and respectful with your partners.

“When you do find someone who you can share your second virginity with, it’s really special and you want to make it special. Then you have men that say things like ‘I wish you were deeper’ in terms of having vaginal intercourse. Like come on, it’s not something I can do, you get what you’re given.” Penelope

Trans women may opt for different procedures for a variety of reasons. These surgeries may include:

• Labiaplasty (where the external genitals/labia are created, not including a vaginal cavity)
• Orchidectomy (where testes are removed)
• and more commonly vaginoplasty (which involves creating both the vaginal canal and the external labia)

You may need to be aware that:

• Post-operative care may potentially include dilation where surgical rods are used to maintain depth and expand the width of the vaginal cavity
• As with all women, the depth of their vagina can vary, and you need to be aware of any discomfort you may be causing during penetrative sex
• Additional lubricant may be helpful
• Post-surgical pain and discomfort can be aggravated by sex

Supportive partners take care of their partner after they’ve had surgery, both physically and emotionally.

Be sure to follow her lead about when (and how) she feels comfortable resuming sex and give her extra care and support as you would to anyone close, after they have had a major surgery.

People may use different language to describe genital surgeries including genital reconfiguration surgery, gender reassignment surgery, or lower surgery. Some language such as “sex change” may be considered out of date or even offensive.

Reflect the language that individual trans women use to describe their genital surgeries.

Whilst some trans women may want to access genital surgery, others may be comfortable with the genitals they were born with. Whatever their choice, it’s important that you respect trans women’s bodies and think about how your partner can also experience pleasure.

Some men may be comfortable with the bodies of trans women who have not had genital surgery, however for other men this may take time to get used to.

“I like my girl dick but sometimes I have to navigate that the men I’m hooking up with don’t want to see it or just want to pretend that it’s not there. Sometimes that can be really difficult to negotiate. Yes, I have a penis and whilst I don’t need to penetrate you with it, I still like and deserve to receive pleasure.” Eva

Be upfront and respectfully communicate what you are and are not comfortable with, but also consider and negotiate how your partner may also experience pleasure.

Ensure that sexual interactions aren’t centred only on your own experiences of pleasure.

“Consent is really important to me. We all have different things that we may or may not be comfortable with. As a trans woman who does not want to have genital reconfiguration surgery, I’ve had sex with partners who may not be totally comfortable with my junk. With guys who’ve shown me respect we’ve had open conversations and come up with creative solutions that work for both of us.” Electra

Everyone has the right to privacy and dignity when it comes to their bodies. Some trans women might want to be upfront about their surgical status but it should be their choice about what they want to share, and when they choose to share. Be open to getting to know people rather than solely focusing on their genitals.

“You wouldn’t ask any other woman that you’re on a date with around her anatomy on your first few dates. You wouldn’t ask that of anybody, so why would you do it to a trans person? I would say to not ask inappropriate questions, to wait until the trans person is ready to share that part of themselves.” Hannah

Asking people about their genitals before you’ve got to know each other well can be incredibly invasive.

If you are looking for a particular type of trans woman or body type, it may be a better option to respectfully disclose what you are looking for rather than asking strangers to share highly personal information about their bodies with you.

“If I disclose on my profile that I’m trans literally the first thing I’ll get asked on a dating app is ‘Have you had the operation?’ They’ve obviously seen my profile and thought that’s potentially someone I could hook up or be with, but the first thing they want to know is what’s between your legs. I understand that a potential partner may want to know that information, but it does feel like you are being reduced to what’s between your legs, rather than the person you are.” Olivia

Having an attraction to certain bodies and expressions is fine! Just remember that it is important to communicate this in ways that are respectful and consensual.

Trans women who are interested in dating men should be shown the same respect around having public relationships as any other woman should be. Healthy relationships flourish when there is openness, pride and transparency.

“The very first time I met him was at a restaurant. It was one of my first dates since coming out and transitioning so I kept checking with him, ‘Hey are you okay with this?’ and ‘Is everything alright? Do you feel comfortable being with me in public?’ It is always something that’s at the forefront of my mind. He was totally relaxed said straight up, ‘I’m not going to let anyone tell me who I can and can’t be with’. For me it kind of struck a chord and ever since then it hasn’t even been an issue. I’ve never had to raise it. He doesn’t feel the need to talk about it so much as he just sees me as he would any woman.” Olivia

However some men, particularly in public, can be worried about whether other people will be able to tell if your partner or date is transgender.

“On our very first (public) date I was thinking about whether people know if she’s trans or not, but over time I became more comfortable. I just don’t care anymore about what other people are thinking. We put too much emphasis on what other people are thinking rather than just living our lives.” Rob

Some men even attempt to keep these relationships secret, which can be very painful for their partners.

“I wanted some affection and intimacy, so I ended up staying the night with him. In the morning he said he needed to get ready for work. I suggested we catch the train together, but he replied, ’No, I don’t want people to see me leaving the house with you.’ So, he wanted me to come around in the middle of the night and leave in the middle of the night. It was like the fact he’d explored any intimacy with me was so deeply shameful to him. I was made to feel worthless–and my desire wasn’t seen as equal or valid.” Crystal

Be aware of your own fears and insecurities and be careful not to project them onto trans women. This may make them feel uncomfortable and can negatively impact their mental health and self-confidence.

“Being hidden from everybody, that’s one of the big ways trans women get disrespected and hurt. She may accept that because she loves you, but it still hurts. Just be proud of that person you’re walking outside with, because you love her, she loves you, and that’s enough I think.” Roxanne

If you’re worried about what other people think, be honest. Trans women can usually tell anyway. Firstly, apologise – it’s a really horrible feeling to know that someone is ashamed to be seen with you in public. Then admit your concerns and take self-responsibility by seeking support, so that you can work towards getting more comfortable with yourself.

“Do some internal reflection and consider what it is you want and why you want to hook up with a trans woman. If you do generally find trans women attractive, it’s okay, you can take a trans woman on a date. The world’s not going to end, nobody’s going to really notice because nobody cares, nobody actually cares what you’re doing with someone else.” Eva

Consider ways you can show trans women respect while you’re working out how to deal with your own insecurities.

“I’ve had experiences with men where it’s a hidden and private thing–but they’re still romantic. We’ll cook dinner together or he’ll bring me flowers and I know he’s seeing me as someone that’s deserving of romantic experiences that are so normal for other people to have–and that many trans women just don’t get.” Crystal

Ultimately, finding acceptance in yourself can lead to healthier relationships for both you and her.

“What other people think of you isn’t important. What matters is that you are confident in who you are and that you’re not ashamed of who you are.” Rob

“I was seeing this guy and he was so chill and casual. I could tell he was really proud to be out with me. We went to the beach for a romantic weekend away and stayed in a cute bed and breakfast. We ate in restaurants and walked along the beach. He made me feel great.” Crystal

Every trans woman is unique and has her own individual relationship to her identity. For some trans women their trans identity might be really important to them. For others it may not be the most important aspect of their lives. Gender is only one aspect of all our identities.

“I just want them to get to know me as me and take the transness out of it. We’ll get to the transness later, I just don’t want to be defined by it. I don’t revolve my life around it whereas I think in their realm that’s what it’s about in dating trans women. So we’re both having very different experiences.” Samantha

Let trans women take the lead in discussions about what they want to disclose about their lives.

“I think if you get to know the person, get to know about their lives and their struggles, you’ll find you have a lot more in common than just a sexual fantasy.” Tony

Take the time to get to know someone as a whole person, rather than solely focusing on someone’s trans identity or on aspects of their body.

“In past relationships the experience of being made to feel comfortable in my gender has been respectful and encouraging. Being treated as a woman has felt euphoric.” Shirley

Consider taking time to meet trans women on a friendship level and engage with the broader trans community through LGBTIQA+ or transgender events, art and literature to learn more.

“I would say to my younger self to get to know and develop friendships with trans women outside of sexual or romantic relationships. I have meaningful friendships with trans women now and I’ve gotten to hear their stories. I think as men we need to learn from trans women’s experiences and address sexual objectification. It’s important that we speak to and educate other men.” Mark

If you are dating or hooking up with trans women, consider and prioritise their needs, desires, and enjoyment, beyond just the physical.

“His approach that really sold me was that we weren’t talking about my trans-ness first. He just asked me how my day was, what do I do, all those sorts of things. Then he said, ‘Alright, well you seem interesting, let’s meet up somewhere’, which made me feel like he didn’t have to establish what my trans-ness looks and feels like in order to be interested in me. He demonstrated that he was interested in me as a person.” Stella

“You know just coming over and not having sex–that’s a win, that’s nice, hanging out and chatting, going to the beach, or having dinner. We’ve done heaps of different things together, even coming and meeting my family and friends.” Penelope

Trans women may also suggest that healthy relationships involve learning more about the trans experience from other people and resources, rather than just relying upon them to teach you everything.

“I don’t always have the words, energy, or time to do all the emotional labour and educating. Even though I love my partner and know they are trying their best, I am not a trained therapist, nor am I a sex educator and that’s okay. Having my partner read or utilise external resources lifts the burden off me and allows me to learn new things as well. We then get to learn and grow together and that creates more time and space for us to do other things, instead of a weird power dynamic of me constantly being the teacher (saving that for a special occasion).” Eva

Take the initiative to learn more about the trans experience from sources beyond your partner.

“Go out there and educate yourself. Don’t wait until you’ve met a trans woman or a trans feminine person to learn about what their body’s going to look like. Read up on about how to pleasure trans women. Don’t make them educate you.” Moss

Learning more doesn’t have to be daunting and may help you come to a greater understanding and acceptance of your partner and of your relationships.

A healthy relationship is built on many things including love, trust, compassion, respect and honesty. Being open and honest about how you’re feeling and the challenges you might be experiencing is integral to a lasting relationship.

It is also important to do some self-reflection and be able to grow. Be prepared to look at the parts of yourself that you might be uncomfortable with, where you might need to grow or address inequities.

Supporting your partner to be themselves despite any challenges can be very rewarding.

Here’s some thoughts and experiences about healthy relationships from trans women who’ve been involved in the Transfemme project:

“I’d love for them to be a lot more open in terms of the way they communicate. Be open to having conversations, to talk openly and truthfully about how they’re feeling. And vice versa, being open and honest with each other.” Shirley

“I think a healthy relationship is one where both partners can express their needs and desires to each other–and have them met. That their emotional health and safety is cared for as well as their physical needs. You’re able to do things together socially as well as intimately and have celebrations and declarations of love and adoration.” Eva

“I guess in a way I’m a bit of an older romantic kind of person. So I think just showing you they care, showing you they are thinking about you, that they respect you.” Olivia

“It looks like going out for dinner, coffee, a walk, or generally coming over and enjoying each other’s company. If we’re connecting and seeing each other regularly, don’t be afraid to ask me if you’d like to meet my friends or family or introduce me to yours. Every time we hang out doesn’t have to be centred around sex. We can also hang out because you enjoy my company.” Eva

“The most positive aspect of my last relationship was that he really allowed me to be myself, within that relationship. When we first dated, I wasn’t open about being trans. He didn’t know. I wasn’t involved in the trans community. Through the establishment of that relationship I became more comfortable with my own self and was able to acknowledge that at the time, I had my own internalised transphobia, towards myself. I became proud of who I was because of the support he showed me, and I became actively involved in the trans community. I would never have done that whilst in a relationship with somebody who didn’t support me the way I was supported.” Hannah

Trans women are all unique individuals. There is no one way they will look, sound, or act–and nor should there be. For trans women, dealing with how other people perceive them and the expectations they might hold can be complex.

“This guy approached me at a tram stop, asking for my number. It started as an okay conversation. But when I told him I’m a trans person, a woman of trans experience, he got quite funny about it. He started to get aggressive, not violent, but verbally abusive and making accusations that I was being deceitful and trying to ‘lure him’.” Arl

For some trans women, other people may potentially be able to tell they are transgender through the sound of their voice or various physical features. For others, people may only become aware they are a transgender woman when they choose to share that information.

“I would say always think about the person first, think about the person that you’ve got to know, don’t put their gender identity first. Also, allow yourself to absorb that information before responding and reacting. And to really evaluate within yourself your attraction to that person as a person, and not your response to their gender identity. Don’t automatically jump to questions like ‘do you have a penis’ or ‘have you had surgery’. They’re really inappropriate questions and trans women will let you know when they are ready to share that information” Hannah

Navigating the disclosure of their transgender identity, history or experience can be challenging for trans women. Some trans women may put it on their dating profiles or tell people upfront, while others may choose to disclose later, after they’ve gotten to know someone better.

“I always tell people straight away. I feel it’s easier to be upfront about it, but I found it harder as I started to move into my gender affirmation and my appearance became more feminine. I started to get people thinking I was catfishing when I would say that I was trans.” Penelope

Trans women have the right to their privacy and may have numerous reasons why they choose not to disclose their trans identity to others, nor share it at a later date, including:

• they may not identify as transgender but as a woman who may have a trans history or experience, where being trans is not an important part of their identity
• for safety reasons – trans women experience high rates of verbal and physical abuse, and may have previous negative experiences around sharing this information
• to minimize risk of discrimination such as social exclusion or when accessing goods and services or in their workplaces
• having to explain your trans experience to everyone can feel really invasive.

Try to be respectful when trans women disclose their trans identity to you.

It’s okay to say that you need time to process it–and then make an effort to learn more about transgender peoples’ experiences. It may be useful to get support from a reputable service such as an LGBTIQA+ service–or access counselling to help you work through your feelings and come to a place of acceptance and compassion.

“For me, I really wanted to establish a relationship first and to not be judged–for him to get to know me as first, minus my gender status. When I started to develop feelings of a deeper emotional connection with him and I could see that we were building towards a relationship–that was when I decided to share my transgender experience with him.

I chose to write him a letter for several reasons. I wanted to be able to word everything the way I wanted it to be, to simplify the language within that letter and not make it overly complicated. In a letter I could get all that information out without stumbling on my words from nervousness or anxiety. I also wanted to use a letter for my physical safety because I didn’t know how he would react. I told him to read the letter and that if he felt he could pursue a relationship with me after reading the letter, to call me.

He didn’t call me initially. It took him a little bit of time to absorb that information. When he did call me, he was crying. But he wasn’t upset because I didn’t tell him–he was upset because it hurt him to hear the journey I had to go through, just to be the person I am.” Hannah

Introducing your partner to your family and friends can be an exciting part of any new relationship. For many people it can be a time where relationships may deepen and there may be opportunities to celebrate your relationship with others. For some trans women being introduced to their partners family may be considered as a sign of respect.

“The men I end up dating are the ones that let me into their world by introducing me to their friends and or family.” Eva

Navigating how to talk with others about your relationships with a trans woman is something you will need to discuss with your partner. Not all trans women may want their transgender identity shared with others, or they may want to choose when and how that information is disclosed. All trans women are different so it’s best to check in and let them lead.

“Like with any relationship, you want to be accepted within the family network, but it can be really hard to navigate. With anyone I’ve dated I’ve always said to them, ‘Let me meet your family first, so they can meet me as a human being, and then if you want, I’ll give you permission to share my gender identity with them.’ Then they don’t have the preconception of what I’m going to be, or who I’m going to be, based on what they have been exposed to in the media and through culture. Because for the majority of society I think their perception of trans people is often negative. I want them to experience who I am as a person first, rather than through my gender identity.” Hannah

If the people who are close to you have previously made statements of positivity and inclusivity around trans women, it may be easy to introduce your partner to them.

“My parents have always said that it doesn’t matter who you are and what choices you make, we’re always going to love you and support you. So growing up there was always this supportive inclusive environment… The first trans person I recall meeting was actually my brother’s partner at the time and she was treated just like any other person coming into our family.” Michael

However due to transphobia and stigma in society, many men may be worried about how their families and friends will react to them dating a trans woman. Some men talked about their experiences of religious and cultural barriers to dating or marrying trans women.

“In my culture people don’t accept it–and I know it’s much better than before but still a lot of people – not only in my culture, all around the world – a lot of people don’t accept it. So I wasn’t sure what’s going to be their reaction or how they’re going to treat me later. That’s why I was really nervous and worried about it.” Patrick

“I’m bi but I still struggled with dating trans women. When I was younger, I found it hard to introduce my trans partner to my family and friends. I didn’t have the language to describe my relationships with trans women. It was challenging to talk about and describe, especially without knowing any other people in relationships with trans women. My family is more likely to be supportive of relationships I have with cis women and to some degree with cis men. I don’t think our society celebrates the relationships between cis men and trans women.” Mark

For other men, their families were either happy for them or their attitudes have changed over time to be more accepting.

“My current partner’s family are more accepting. They understand about our lives and our love for each other.” Sanu

Trans women often talk about the negative impacts not being introduced to their partner’s friends and family has on their mental health and wellbeing. Treating your partner like a secret can cause her a lot of hurt.

“The men I’ve dated in my life would be too fearful to introduce me to their families because of their own feelings of shame–and that makes me feel like I’m someone to be ashamed of.” Candy

If you are nervous about introducing your partner to your family and friends, consider why. Is it because they may respond so poorly that it could put your safety and wellbeing at risk?

Or is it because you are ashamed of your attraction towards trans women?

“There’s a difference between it not being safe to disclose that your partner is transgender–and internalising your shame. You have to address your own internalised shame, so you’re not projecting that onto your partner–even if you choose not to disclose, or you think disclosing is too risky. It’s valuable to find friendships where you can disclose, so that there can be support, even if it’s not everyone.” Petra

We all have the right to make our own decisions about what we disclose to others, including our relationships. If you feel your safety or wellbeing is at risk, talk to your partner so they can support you and understand why you currently may not be able to introduce them to other people in your life.

However, if it’s just because you are uncomfortable about dating a trans woman, consider the impact on your partner and seek support. Some trans women may not want to be in long term relationships where they are not introduced to family and friends.

“Why are trans women being left with the burden of being hidden and kept secret? It’s exhausting! In the journey to be ourselves we’ve had to face many challenges. It hasn’t been easy. We know that discrimination and harassment can take a terrible toll. I hope that men can see us, for all our strength and perseverance, and be inspired by that and draw upon it so that they can find the courage to walk alongside us with pride.” Electra

It’s important to know that introducing your partner to the people in your life can have positive impacts for you and for her.

“He had to do the coming out of my gender identity with his friends, and they were really supportive. His mate told him, ‘If that’s who you love, that’s who you love.’ His friends helped him feel more secure. It relieves that pressure by having supportive people, having a supportive network of other men that have said, ‘You know what, that’s okay. If that’s who you love, then that’s who you love.’” Hannah

For some men the stress and anxiety of not having the support of family and friends, or the fear of not having it, is so great that they may consider leaving or not seriously committing to a relationship. Leaving a relationship because of stigma, however, may potentially cause a significant sense of loss and not necessarily alleviate their experiences of distress.

Plus, trans women are amazing! You could be missing out on a really vibrant and nurturing relationship.

“After almost two years when I was living with my girlfriend, I decided to leave her because of the situation with my family and friends. So, for almost one month, we weren’t living together. In that time I was upset because in my heart I loved her. My mum was talking to me from overseas, she was asking me ‘What’s happened, why are you upset?’ and one day I couldn’t control myself and I started crying. I wasn’t sure what’s going to be her reaction, but I told her, and she was upset too. She started crying as well, but she told me to follow my heart. I said okay and then I went back to my girlfriend and introduced them on a video chat. My mum started loving her too and said ‘She’s so beautiful’. So, thank God, we are still together.” Patrick

Some trans women talk about the positive experiences they have being introduced to families that have already been educated about transgender people, especially when men have already talked to their family and friends about their attraction to trans women.

“The experiences I’ve had meeting my partner’s families were generally pretty positive, but they were with men who’d had open conversations with their families about their sexuality and trans women. I was made to feel comfortable before going to meet them. I didn’t have to do any of the education, it was really casual, and so they were positive experiences.” Crystal

A negative reaction from your friends and families can be challenging to navigate and process. There may be a sense of loss or grief if those relationships deteriorate, or if feelings of disconnection develop because of transphobia.

“My partner’s mother didn’t respond well when he told her I was transgender. I just told him that ‘It’s okay.’ I understood that his mum needed education and time. I said, ‘Maybe your mum will come around one day.’ He was a bit stressed and at the point where he didn’t really talk to his mum much. He would always call his mum but he doesn’t anymore, they stopped being so close. However his dad was supportive and at the time they were always having conversations, discussing why does mum behave this way. His dad talked to her, and I think that was why she changed her mind and her view towards me. At that time, I think we both supported each other because we were both going through the same thing together as a couple, and it was hard emotionally for both of us. It was very daunting.” Liz

Be aware of how negative responses can impact your own or your partner’s mental health. It can be stressful, so remember to seek support–and be honest with your partner about how it’s impacting you and your relationship.

If your friends and family are behaving inappropriately or saying inappropriate things about your partner, it’s important to challenge transphobia–if it’s safe to do so.

“His friend started yelling at him in the street saying that I wasn’t a real woman. It was humiliating. But then my date turned around and told his mate, ‘If you can’t treat a lady with respect, then fuck off.’ Everyone in the street was watching and he was so fierce about it. He put his arm around me and it totally transformed the experience. I just thought he was so hot. He won me over in that moment as he whispered to me that I was beautiful and he wasn’t going to let anyone treat me with any disrespect.” Electra

If you or your partner are experiencing bullying, threatening or abusive behaviour from your family consider calling an LGBTIQA+ family violence service in our referral guide.

Whether or not to have children is a personal decision for anyone, and there is no right or wrong answer. There is also no right or wrong way to start a family, and it is equally valid for a couple to decide not to have children.

Many couples may consider having children as part of their relationship and this might be something that you want to discuss with your partner. There are lots of options for trans women and men to have children, including surrogacy and IVF, fostering and adoption.

“I do want to have kids. I would like to adopt in the future as I know I can’t bear any children. I don’t really mind not having genetically related children and that’s something my partner and I have talked about. It’s not a big barrier for us in our relationship, but it was an issue for his mum. She told him that he needed to have a family, to have children, and that being with me it wasn’t possible. But we can have a family if we want.” Liz

Some men may feel or experience pressure from their family to leave trans women because she can’t give birth, but it is never appropriate to reduce any woman’s worth to their capacity to bear children.

Talk to your partner and try not to let societal or community pressure influence your choices. There are many ways to start a family. For other people having children may not be a priority.

Trans women can experience high rates of discrimination, abuse or even violence in their lives. This can have an impact on their mental health and wellbeing. Discrimination and abuse can be stressful, overwhelming and if it occurs repeatedly, it can be exhausting over the long term. As a partner of a trans woman, you may need to support her through these negative experiences–or you may potentially experience discrimination yourself because of your relationship.

“I think men need to understand that trans women are actually more vulnerable and are often made unsafe. So you need to be thinking, ‘how can I assure them that they’re safe’–or consider how you can be invested in their safety.” Stella

In many areas of public life discrimination may be unlawful, such as in employment or accessing goods and services. It can be important to understand the law and where you can access supports. Ringing an LGBTIQA+ service like the Rainbow Door might be a good place to start to get further information.

However, being unlawful doesn’t necessarily stop discrimination from occurring. To end discrimination, we need to start by changing attitudes. Men have a crucial role to play in addressing stigma and discrimination with their friends and family by challenging transphobia and having honest conversations.

“Talk to your mates if somebody says something transphobic. Come down on them, don’t be like ‘ha ha yeah that’s funny’. Have conversations to support them to do better. Be open about who you’re dating–and that it’s ok to date trans women.” Moss

“Men should challenge transphobia and support trans women when they’re being treated with disrespect, especially if you’re being abused in a way that’s disrespecting you as a woman or invalidating your experience as a woman. I think it’s pretty powerful to stand up to transphobia, if it’s safe to do so. Discrimination can be so dehumanising. It can mean the world to you when your partner speaks up.” Electra

Speak up and challenge transphobic ideas any time you can.

“I think cis men need to talk more openly about their attraction to trans women with other men and with their friends and families. We need to break down the stigmas that exist in our society around men dating trans women–and to do that we need to educate the people around us. If you do end up dating a trans woman, at least you will know where people stand and you’ll have time to unpack their questions or address their transphobia. Potentially it may spare your partner from having to deal with inappropriate reactions or invasive questions–or you might find them really supportive and have your concerns allayed.” Electra

Showing trans women allyship can be another way to demonstrate support.

Allyship can be demonstrated in lots of different ways, such as going to trans events, learning about transgender history and culture, supporting your partner if they want to affirm their gender medically, or even engaging in trans activism.

“Men should stand up for trans women, they have to be supportive.” Sanu

“Even before we were in a relationship, he would be very openly supportive of me and he would send me things that would be trans affirming. Like in video games and stuff, he’d be like, ‘Hey look there’s a trans flag’. He’d do little things like that. He’s very supportive, enthusiastic. He’s even more enthusiastic than me.” Q

However, be aware that not all trans women will always want to discuss their experiences of discrimination or abuse, especially when it’s not on their terms. It’s important to seek appropriate ways for you to provide support.

Support her to share with you only what she wants, and when she is comfortable to do so.

“Men need to understand the complexities of our lives. We might’ve been through a whole lot of things that we don’t always want to talk about.” Petra

Accessing mental health support, relationship counselling or having supportive family, friends and community can all be part of a healthy relationship. There may be additional challenges when dating trans women in working out your sexuality, being comfortable with yourself or addressing discrimination and stigma. It’s important that you access professional support or create a positive support network in your life.

Solely relying upon your partner for support, when they may be having their own challenges may not be appropriate.

“Often trans women who are dating men talk about this incredible emotional burden of having to support their partners through unpacking their guilt, shame and stigma –but also their own experiences of discrimination in the world as they begin to share their partner’s trans history or experience. However, trans women often have their own mental health challenges and they may not have the capacity if their partner is not accessing any mental health supports.” Electra

Some men may struggle to support their partners if they haven’t been able to address their own mental health needs.

“It’s difficult to be there for someone else when you can’t be there for yourself because of all the pressure in society. I wish there was more support for cis guys to be open about dating trans women. It would definitely help, knowing how to be supported and becoming more confident and comfortable.” David

There may not be a lot of professional supports or pathways available for men who date trans women. Seeking out informal supports through friends and community who are trans inclusive may be one way to support your wellbeing. We have some recommendations in our referral section–or you could seek out independent counselling.

Most importantly, be compassionate with yourself and your partner, as it’s important to acknowledge your struggles and challenges.

Check in with your partner, negotiate your boundaries and how you can both care for your mental health and wellbeing.